Today with Rabbi Perl

 Lashon Hara: Gossip and Talking about Others

Jewish law goes well beyond secular law in this arena, and forbids the telling of a negative statement about another person, even if it is true.

By Rabbi Joseph Telushkin

Reprinted with permission from The Book of Jewish Values

While libel and slander, which involve the transmission of untrue statements, are universally regarded as immoral and generally illegal, most people regard a negative but true statement made about another as morally permissible.

Jewish law opposes this view. The fact that something is true doesn't mean it is anybody else's business. The Hebrew term for forbidden speech about others, lashon hara (literally, "bad tongue"), refers to any statement that is true but that lowers the status of the person about whom it is said. Thus, sharing with your friends the news that so-and-so eats like a pig, is sexually promiscuous, or is regarded by her co-workers as lazy, is forbidden, even if true.

Admittedly, this standard is sometimes difficult to observe: The Talmud itself concedes that virtually everyone will violate the laws of ethical speech at least once a day (Babylonian Talmud, Bava Batra 64b-65a). Nonetheless, those who make an effort to practice these regulations will find that they soon start speaking about others in a far fairer manner.

When it comes to gossip, most of us routinely violate the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." For example, if you were about to enter a room and heard the people inside talking about you, what you probably would least like to hear them talking about are your character flaws or the intimate details of your social life. Yet, when we speak of others, these are the things we generally find most interesting to discuss.

There are times when it is permitted to relate detrimental information about another, but they are relatively rare. While the fact that something negative is true might serve as a defense against a chance of libel or slander in a court of law, it is an invalid defense against the charge that you have violated an important Jewish ethical law.

Why Refraining from Lashon Hara is an Important Challenge

I know a woman who loved shrimp. When she married a religiously observant Jew, she gave up eating this biblically forbidden shellfish, and became an observant Jew. Several years later she commented to her husband that she felt irreligious because she still craved shrimp. "On the contrary," he told her, "the fact that you want to eat shrimp, but refrain from doing do because it's prohibited, is proof of your religiosity. The rabbis teach that one should not say, 'I loathe eating pig,' but rather 'I do desire it, yet what can I do, since my Father in heaven has forbidden it?'" (Sifre Bemidbar, 20:26).

Rabbi Abraham Twerski, a psychiatrist, wisely observes that this rabbinic dictum no longer applies to Jews who were raised in ritually observant households. For example, the woman's husband never expressed a desire to eat shrimp. Had he done so, he would probably have become nauseous. The prohibition against eating forbidden foods has become so internalized among observant Jews that refraining from such foods no longer requires any self-sacrifice.

But there is one commandment that almost all observant—and non-observant—Jews are tempted to violate: the ban against speaking lashon hara. Many otherwise observant Jews frequently violate this biblical prohibition. They would do well to update the rabbinic quote to read, "One should not say, 'I do not like to gossip,' but rather, 'I really enjoy talking about and listening to the intimate details of other people's lives, and discussing other people's character flaws, but what can I do, since my Heavenly Father has forbidden it?'"

Adopting this attitude will not only lead to a diminution in gossiping, it will also, as Twerski argues, offer a powerful lesson of true religiosity to one's children. He advocates cutting short a discussion at the dinner table because it is becoming gossipy, and explaining to your children that you are tempted to continue the discussion, but that such conversations are forbidden by God. By doing that, you can demonstrate to your children "by living example the negation of [your] will to that of a higher Authority. It may well be one of the few lessons they'll never forget."

Malaysia Flight 370 Pilot's Last Words Were "All Right, Good Night" A Torah Lesson in Life

 This phrase was the last thing recorded after the flight's signaling system stopped transmitting and the plane diverted from its flight path. It was at 12 minutes into a diverted flight course, when the co-pilot of the missing Malaysia airplane gave the routine "All right, good night" in his final radio call.

A Lesson in Life

How do we prepare for our own “All right, good night” final radio call each night before going to sleep?

First come the Nighttime Activities - before the Bedtime Shema

Study some Torah. Even if it’s late, just immerse yourself in some words of Torah, so that you will sleep with those thoughts. Maimonides writes that a person gains most of their wisdom from Torah studied at night. Fill your mind with it, so that it will process in your dreams. Often, solutions to Torah that you study at this time will come to you in your dreams.

Review the day in your mind. Think of something that went well. Think of something that could be fixed or improved. Think of all the wonderful blessings you have in your life—friends, parents, children—all the things that have real value. Don’t beat yourself—this is not an exercise in self-blaming and guilt. The point is to get a clear perspective of yourself and your day, where you are coming from and where you are going to.

Then the Bedtime Shema –

Relax. Re-examine. Refresh. Refocus. Repent. Re-entrust.

These 6 steps are reflected in the 4 basic elements of the Bedtime Shema.

1. The Forgiveness Formula

Sleep is a journey. As with any journey, you’ll come back more refreshed if you travel light. So now’s the time to leave the baggage behind—meaning, all those grudges and hard feelings that may have been collecting over the day.

2. Shema Yisrael

For many people, the hardest thing about falling asleep is that act of surrender—letting go and allowing G‑d to take over. The Talmud describes sleep as one-sixtieth of death. Wherever life is diminished, a vacuum draws in forces of impurity and unwanted thoughts. That’s a tad scary. So, the Talmud tells us that bedtime shema gives us protection. Say the words clearly and with mental focus, and they will continue to run through your mind as you sleep, their light enveloping you and protecting you through the night.

3. Vidui-Nighttime Confessional

The Zohar describes how the soul ascends above at night to provide a report on its accomplishments for the day and hear secrets of Torah. But this can only happen if the soul is pure. What if there was some trace of conceit, hypocrisy, greed, anger or other undesirable attitudes during the day? Even more so if someone actually said something or acted on one of those impulsive attitudes. Now is the time to leave those behind, simply by confessing them in a quiet voice and feeling a sense of regret.

4. The Blessing on sleep

Finish with the Hamapil blessing. We acknowledge that G‑d has made us slaves to sleep, and we pray to Him to help us have only good thoughts in our sleep and to awake back to life. 

 Search & Destroy Picture Contest

Happiness Now. Laughter Later. Why?

Research shows that laughter is good medicine. Laughter increases blood levels of important immune components, which helps fight infections in the upper respiratory and gastrointestinal tracts, and may increase levels of disease-fighting T-cells and natural killer cells. So, laughter helps protect the immune system and decreases stress.

What else is laughter?

Laughter is a recognition of something new, something different, something unexpected. A little boy with pink socks, pajama pants, fancy shoes and a hooded jacket is certainly out of the ordinary (or, at least, in some neighborhoods here in Jerusalem it is!).

The sages relate the 127 years of Sarah’s life to the 127 provinces over which Queen Esther ruled. Sarah was the first mother of the Jewish people, and Queen Esther, through her heroic acts to save the Jewish people, was also a mother to the Jewish people. They also share one more similarity—laughter.

According to some commentaries, not only was Sarah barren, but she didn’t have a womb! There wasn’t even a possibility that she could have children. For her, for us—her descendants—G‑d turned the situation upside down: He created something new, something from nothing. He changed the situation. The barren woman without a womb became fertile; bore a son, Isaac (lit., “he will laugh”); and became the mother of the Jewish people. This act caused laughter.

The Persian king was in cahoots with his evil prime minister, Haman, to kill the Jewish people. Haman built a gallows to kill the righteous Jewish sage Mordechai. The Jewish people fasted and prayed, and G‑d created laughter. He reversed the situation. The king’s beloved queen, Esther, turned out not only to be Jewish, but also to be Mordechai’s niece. The Jewish people  were not destroyed, but rather grew stronger. Haman was hanged on his own gallows, Mordechai became the new prime minister, and the king’s own son allowed the building of the Second Temple.

Laughter comes from the revelation that in a split second, our situation can change.

Why, then, do the sages tell us that when the month of Adar (the month when we celebrate Purim) begins, we must increase our happiness, but they don’t tell us to increase our laughter? Laughter is the revealed state of happiness, and we cannot fully laugh until Moshiach comes. Then we will have the full revelation, the full understanding of why hardships happened.

We cannot fully laugh now, but we can increase our happiness, and know that—as the verse states in Proverbs when speaking of the Woman of Valor—we will laugh at the end of our days. We can be joyous and smile, knowing that ultimately the difficulties in life will be sources of pleasure.